Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD): The Essential Guide for Parents

We are very glad to welcome a guest post by Keri Williams, a regular blogger at raisingdevon.com and author. In this post Keri writes about her journey into raising a child with reactive attachment disorder, on which her book is based.

What if? It’s a question that haunts me and many parents of children with reactive attachment disorder (RAD). What if I’d known sooner? What if I’d done things differently?

Today my son Devon is 16. He’s very dangerous – violent towards adults and children, has suicidal ideations, and causes thousands of dollars in property damage. Due to safety concerns, he’s been unable to live at home for the last several years. He’s angry, sad, and hurt. It’s not what I dreamed of when I adopted him as a friendly, jabbering three-year-old with round cheeks and a bright smile.

From the time Devon came to live with us at three, I knew something was seriously wrong but had no idea what. He played with feces, threw screaming tantrums for hours, and seemed defiant and willful. I tried parenting strategy after parenting strategy, but nothing worked.

I was still trying to ‘fix’ him when, at nine, he pushed his then four-year-old brother down the stairs in a rage and karate chopped him in the throat. That was my wake-up call. We needed help.

After a few hospitalizations and intensive in-home services, Devon’s behaviour continued to decline and he was admitted to a psychiatric residential treatment facility. There he was diagnosed with reactive attachment disorder (RAD). What a huge sigh of relief – finally we could get some treatment.

Unfortunately, I learned the hard way that there are no quick answers or easy solutions for kids with RAD. I struggled to find therapists and treatments to help, I became increasingly isolated from family and friends. Over time, however, I learned how to navigate the system, how to advocate for my son, and how to get the support I needed. Raising a child with RAD is a hard road to follow especially when you don’t have a support system or know where to go for help.

This is why I wrote the guide I wish I’d had a decade ago. My new book, Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD): The Essential Guide for Parents, is written from the trenches. No platitudes or false promises – only key information, practical suggestions, and resource recommendations.

I can’t help but wonder, what if I’d had this information when my son was three, or five, or ten? Would things have turned out differently? Maybe. RAD is a disorder that is stealing our children’s futures and devastating families because we too often don’t have the knowledge and resources to do any better. My hope is that this resource will help families find a way forward.


Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), thumb

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Wouldn’t you want to know?

If you suspected that your child had a mental health problem, wouldn’t you want to know?

I had an odd conversation not long ago with a mother who thought her 6 years old son could suffer from autism, she even mentioned Asperger, but was hesitant to investigate the matter further.

I first thought she was being irrational, but then I heard her reasons. She worried that knowing for certain her son had a mental condition would label him forever, preclude him a normal life, and she didn’t want that for him, particularly because the whole family had learned to cope with his behaviour well.

They love their child for who he is–bad behaviours, cheeky smiles and all–and they would hate for anyone to look at him any different. So they’d rather take the criticism of relatives and the glances of random strangers, rather than giving them the chance to stick a label on their child and be done with it.

I didn’t want to judge them, also because I was too busy pretending not to notice how much of the unusual traits of their child behaviour mirrored my own child’s behaviour, and worry that my son could have Asperger too. I didn’t openly disagree with this parent, but I still thought she was wrong.

Pretending everything is fine when it might not be is unfair to her child. Autism would make his life so much harder, and not recognising it as a disadvantage will end up hurting him.

The stigma around mental health illnesses might be partially to blame here. It would have been a completely different conversation if she suspected the problem was with one of her child’s legs. I’m sure in that case she would have wasted no time in seeking medical advice rather that having him limping for the rest of his life.

Or it might be that when your child is involved, it’s much harder to be impartial. Much of what she said was challenging about her child’s behaviour sounded too familiar for comfort, but I didn’t exactly hurry to look for our GP phone number to find out more.

Some of you might be in a situation very much alike this family, or have been in the past. What advice would you have for them?

Thanks to Jay Wen for making the feature photo used in the article available freely on Unsplash.

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An Essential Guide To Keeping Foster Children Safe Online

The internet is an extraordinary place. It’s an endless resource of information allowing individuals to learn, teach and entertain. It can have a huge effect on society in general and can influence certain ideas and perceptions of matters that we may have never engaged with face to face. However, since the growing reputation of social networks, there’s a risk that many of those connected with them are in danger of experiencing negativity online.

Foster children generally come into care from having a challenging background which can affect their self-esteem, confidence and cause depression. Social media can be a vulnerable place for those who get too caught up in the activities available online.

Understanding Risks and The Impact

In this section, the types of risks involved with being online will be outlined and how they can have a negative effect on children.

Cyberbullying

This is probably one of the main risks for children that they face online. The growth of mobile phones and social networks means children can be easily targeted with abusive jokes and threats. Essentially, children will be targeted through a joke that can later escalate to something far more serious. It can normally start from those who claim to be a close friend or trolls who remain anonymous making it easy for them target children. The longer that the bullying goes on it can be extremely detrimental both physically and mentally to the victim. So, if you get any hint of cyberbullying try to stop it as early as possible. Even if your foster child is causing the abuse, make sure to monitor it and stop it appropriately.

Mobile Games and Apps

Apps have been a common feature for smartphones allowing people to use services and products at the touch of a button. However, there are some applications and games available in app stores which aren’t suitable for younger children and are normally applied with age restrictions. The biggest risk with mobile apps is that in order for them to improve the user experience for the benefit of their business, they look to access personal information and sensitive data which the downloader must provide.

This can make children extremely vulnerable as apps information can be easily accessible for cyber-criminals. It’s important to make sure that you monitor the types of apps that a child is downloading and it’s not an app that easily shares personal data.

Grooming Online

The internet can be scary considering the ease at which individuals can create false personas and profiles online. This has disturbingly made online grooming incredibly easy to do. Online grooming is when an adult creates a profile or remains anonymous online and contacts children in a friendly manner. Soon enough they create a relationship with the child, easily gaining their trust and using it as a way for them to take advantage of them. It then provides them with the opportunity to meet up face to face which can be extremely terrifying. It’s a popular method for child groomers as children are unfortunately more likely to trust people they meet online than the ones they meet in person. They can also easily target those who don’t have their internet use monitored.

Other risks that are not as commonly known

The ones outlined above are the more common risks when it comes to the dangers of online, however, there are also other risks that you should be aware of:

  • Hacking/identity theft
  • Blackmail
  • Promotional content about self-harm or drug use
  • A section of the internet known as ‘The Dark Web’ where illegal online transactions can take place (It’d be worth educating them about the matter if your child is tech-savvy)
  • Sharing of information which appears to be false news

Methods That Can Be Used To Help Protect Young Children

Young children have become familiar with how the internet works due to the influence it has on their lives growing up. Unfortunately, this can’t necessarily be said for parents and carers making it difficult to protect them from online use. In order for you to have the knowledge to deal with matters that can help protect them from the online world, we’ve outlined some steps that you can take that can help towards protecting them for misuse of the internet.

With any electronic device that has the access to connect to the internet, they provide the option to have parental controls so that you can manage the content they see online. Look to do this for both the main computer you use at home and also their mobile or tablet devices. Just try not to make it out like you’re controlling them though, do it in a way that allows them to understand the reasons you’re doing it.

Sit with them whilst they’re on the device and ask questions about the game they’re playing or the app they’re using. Then they can be involved in the process of applying privacy settings when you choose to ask about it. They’ll be more familiar with the device to access the section of the app or game, but you can help them to understand why the privacy settings are needed. It can be used as a way to teach others.

A setting called ‘location services’ is something that apps/games can use to share the device’s location. This can potentially be shared with strangers without knowing it so check to make sure this isn’t being used. You can normally find this in the settings menu.

Always be sure to keep the apps up to date too, as the majority of the time the app developers will provide an update to keep the security improved.

Being a foster carer you still want to encourage your children to grow and make decisions for themselves, so where possible show them how to report abuse if they receive any. This way, you’ll find it easier to trust them if they do receive negative comments online.

It can be easy as a foster parent to be left behind when it comes to online resources so it’s important to take advantage of the resources available to you. Regular communication and involvement between you and your foster child can be key to making the process easier with protecting them.

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Manoeuvring In The Dark

There are moments in life when it’s clear that the decision you’re about to make will affect the rest of your life. When you have a family, you have to cast the dice on what is best for you, your partner, and your children. It’s such an impossible task, a huge responsibility, and nothing can prepare you for it.

That was exactly the kind of situation my husband Diego and I found ourselves a few months ago. It took us countless evenings of pondering, discussing, arguing, and fighting. Then planning, swaying, rethinking, and replanning. But eventually, we reached a resolution.

And here we are today, surrendered by boxes and empty shelves. Where once were furniture, now there are only dents in the carpet. They are deep marks, indentations that won’t easily disappear. We have been at this crossroad before, but not as a family.

We have sold our much-loved family home, and most of its content too, because in a couple of months we’ll say farewell to this country and head back to Italy.

I’m overwhelmed by the conflicting emotions this change brings up, and I find it really tricky to explain how I feel. Excited, afraid, happy, worried, panicky, overpowered and so much more all at the same time.

We will have to figure out how to bring a bit of England back with us. For our son, this place is part of who he is, where he was born. We don’t want him to forget his origins. And for us, after almost 20 years, this place is part of who we are too.

This decision has the potential to be one of the hard conversations waiting for us in the future. Since becoming parents, at every turn, we have been finding ourselves wondering how we’ll justify our decisions. Adoption gives even more chances for difficult conversations. Every word exchanged in contact letters with birth parents and relatives has to be chosen carefully, because we are keenly aware that one day our son will judge us on those words, and the choice we took for him. This time is no different.

I don’t know how I will explain to my son Ben that, although moving to Italy with us meant sacrificing part of his heritage, it was what we thought was best for him, and in the process he gained a life surrounded by a larger family. That we didn’t intend to hijack his life, or tear him away from what happened in the early part of this life story. We will always support his relationship with his birth parents and brother, correspond with both of them, and never forget about them. Moving doesn’t need to change everything.

We are striving to make this move as smooth and stress-free as possible for him. Our little Ben is enthusiastic and he’s already planning what to sell and what to take with him. His telling his friends about the big lorry which will collect all our stuff, and the plane that will take us in the new house.

I heard a song playing on the radio not long ago. It fitted so perfectly well in our life. I want to believe that those words are true, that what matters in the end is just being together, no matter where.

Cause they say home is where your heart is set in stone
Is where you go when you’re alone
Is where you go to rest your bones.

It’s not just where you lay your head
It’s not just where you make your bed
As long as we’re together, does it matter where we go?

(Gabrielle Aplin – Home)

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From foster care to {F}OSTER

A few months ago a new contact popped up on my Twitter feed, his name is Sirrele. I was captivated by the story of this young man, by his courage and his determination in making a difference in somebody’s life.

Sirrele’s life wasn’t an easy one. He was removed from his mother’s care before he was 2 and placed in the system. The placement became an extremely abusive environment that continued until he was in junior high school. After trying to protect his younger brother from abuse, he was placed in a juvenile detention center, then into a multiple group homes. He left one of the group homes to live on his own for 4 months at the age of 14. Then had an opportunity to reconcile with his mother in Sacramento. In Sacramento, he met two individuals that changed his life, Charles Kidd and Ed Manansala, who he now considers his dads. It was through their unconditional love and mentorship that helped change his trajectory in life.

You can watch him talk about his life story, and about {F}oster, his new project for children in care.

Sirrele has two big passions. One of them is helping children in foster care. At the age of 15, he began his advocacy for foster youth to help provide a voice to a community that needs it the most. His other passion is software engineering. He is the founder of {F}OSTER, a virtual free-of-charge coding mentoring program for foster youth ages 14-24.

Sirrele hopes to create a safe space for foster youth in the competitive world of computer programming. He knows first-hand that without a humble, responsive, sincere mentor, many youths–especially foster youth–can feel alone without a shoulder to lean on. {F}OSTER is that shoulder! {F}OSTER is that support system!



Sirrele agreed to a short interview. Here’s what he told us.

Where the idea of {F}oster comes from?

I wanted to combine both of my passions, Foster Care and Software Development in a way that I could give back in an impactful way. Mentorship and programming have saved my life and I want other foster youth to experience the same thing.

How far into the project are you?

We are starting the actual pairing of Foster Youth and programmers in May 2018 (foster care awareness month). In the meantime, we are actively developing partnerships and internal processes to ensure that mentors and mentees have the best experience. My main goal is to get as many foster youth and programmers as possible!

Have you collected any material to use as reference?

Our mentors will be assisting mentees in a Code Academy course of their choosing. Each week they will use Discord, which is like Skype on steroids, to communicate with each other. The commitment is an hour, however, we do encourage that they spend more time together if possible. Before we pair the mentors, we will have training so that the mentors get a better understanding of the community they are going to be serving.

What reaction have you had so far?

Everyone has been extremely supportive! I have connected with 14+ organizations (school districts, foster care organisations, and tech companies) and plan to grow our partnerships. There are many youth across the states that are wanting to be mentored. Programmers are seeing this as an opportunity to get away from there daily code and give back.

What kind of commitment is required of programmers who want to join the initiative? Can small groups of programmers offer tutoring for the same child?

Right now we are looking at a week commitment. However, I have been posed this question a lot, and even more so by programmers. I really want to think about this a little more. I really see the value of one-on-one mentorships. I don’t know how the mentees will deal will having too many mentors that may be less involved.

What kind of technologies are kids more interested in? (general programming, web programming, hardware automation, etc)

I think it’s hard to answer this. Most people getting into programming do not have a full conception of all the options. My goal is to have the mentors introduce them to those options and pair them with a programmer in a field that they find interesting.

What kind of help do you need to promote {F}oster?

I would like AS MUCH help as possible! I would like to be in the position that there are too many youth or programmers interested! Any support to help get as many programmers and foster youth would be really appreciated!

How can people interested in the project get in contact with you?

I can be found on social media: Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. Feel free to reach out to me. I’m always happy to hear from people interested in the project.

I hope you believe this project as much as I do Please, add Sirrele to your contacts, and help spread the voice about this worthy initiative.

{F}oster is accepting applications for mentors and mentees! If this sounds interesting, please fill out this online form!
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All about Adoption Conversations

In February 2017, after a three-year wait, I became the mother to a lively toddler boy who was born and grown up in India. I was the mother to a girl already and I was quite full of myself regarding parenting. Sleep, diapers, tantrums. I knew the drill, nothing could surprise me anymore, right? Oh, little did I know.

Adoptive parenting is a whole new dimension. Sure, I was spared a good degree of torture by not being a first-timer, but I had to train myself on a whole new set of skills. I had to document on trauma and its manifestations. I embarked on a journey which I feel will last years, potentially my whole life.

Books, communities, discussion groups, events, I researched adoption everywhere I could. I am a passionate podcast listener, so naturally I looked into adoption-related podcasts quite early on. There are some exceptional ones, which I follow and listen to regularly. However, I started longing for one which would expand the view and embrace different perspectives. There are excellent resources for adoptive parents. Others focus on adoptees and their experiences. And most podcasts are US- or UK-centered. I stood there, in the middle of all these different voices. And I was based in Finland, whose adoption and care system has little similarities to US and UK. I decided I wanted to collect all these voices and add the unheard ones. This is how my project of the Adoption Conversations podcast started.

Adoption Conversations is a weekly podcast where I interview guests with any kind of link to adoption. I have no agenda with it. I’m not trying to prove adoption is good or bad. I’m simply documenting my humble learning journey and collecting as many experiences and testimonies as possible.

My target audience is anyone who is interested or involved in adoption, as are my guests. So far, I have interviewed some adoptive parents and adult adoptees. I plan to host also birth family members, as well as experts, social workers, researchers, and policy-makers. When searching for guests, I am reaching out to people from different countries, to get in touch with diverse perspectives and experiences. I am convinced we can learn a lot from how processes and policies work in other countries.

You can find the Adoption Conversations podcast on my blog, ITunes, and Google Play. I appreciate any kind of feedback, so feel free to reach out if you have suggestions or comments, as well as if you have a story to tell.

I am passionate about documenting my learning journey and spreading information about adoption. Outreach can plant small seeds of change.

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The Kindness of Strangers

“Good morning Mrs Boccaleone. Could you please come to pre-school? Something has happened and we need to talk to you straight away”.

The few months before the Christmas holidays have seen my son’s behaviour becoming more and more aggressive towards other kids at school. But this time was different. There was a tone of urgency and uneasiness in Mrs Smith’s voice, the headteacher at pre-school.

I asked few questions, I wanted to understand what was going on, and finally Mrs Smith just said “you need to come to school right away. Your son cut another child with scissors. He did it on purpose”.

A picture flashed in my head: my son with scissors in his hand, a deep cut, blood, screams and tears. I dropped everything and rushed to school.

Once at school, I was invited into a tiny office. I could only recognise Mrs Smith. Who were the other people present? I was asked to seat, and then Mrs Smith started “we asked you to come over for a meeting because Ben’s behaviour during the last few months has been very aggressive towards other children and staff. Today your son cut another child, but luckily this was just a light graze. We are concerned for the safeguard of the children in the class. We are here today with the family support worker, the head of inclusion, and the children protection officer.”

And however it’s unlike me, I burst down in tears. I couldn’t stop crying. I was thinking about that little boy my son hurt, at my son and how scared he must have felt, at how things got quickly out of hand. Most of all, I was thinking at how I could have let go things this far, at how I failed to protect and help my son when he most needed it.

After what it seems to be forever, I calmed down and recomposed myself. The school staff seemed open to help, but they didn’t know how. They were asking me what to do, and if I had any idea. This was a first for their little school. I asked them to give me a couple of days to come up with a plan.

When I was ready to leave they added, “we will need to report the incident to social services, so you might get a call from them”.

Great! That was just great!

The feeling of having failed my son was so overwhelming that I couldn’t think, I couldn’t come up with a plan, I couldn’t remember even one of the suggestion read in books. I felt lost, unprepared, and defeated.

Then I put a post on my Facebook page asking for help. And someone, a complete stranger, answered to my plead with a simple “call me on…” followed by his mobile number. So I did.

We talked for an hour or so. He told me about his life with his adopted children. He spoke with honesty and kindness. And he gave me few ideas on what to do. Not everything he said was new, but the advice of an informed person looking at your situation from outside can be invaluable.

I own this guy so much! After that call, I felt like a new person. The time for crying was over, we had a plan to follow.

When I came back to the school with my plan to help my son managing his emotions, all the professionals were really impressed. They didn’t have anything to add to it. They also took notes and said they’ll implement some aspects of my plan with some other challenging kids. Thanks God for the professionals!

Three months down the line and we can now draw some conclusions. My son seems to be much happier, and much more in control of his emotions. We had a couple of incidents at school, but nothing as serious or as often as before.

The Twitter community and social media in general are made of amazingly experienced people. There have been other difficult times in the past, and it happened before that one of my online friends had offered me their phone number. I never did. Out of shyness, pride, fear for what that might say.

That was a mistake.

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Bedtime Questions

My adoptive son, 5, has been with myself and my wife for three and a half years now. He is strong healthy and adorable and has taken to school life far better than we ever expected.

He is intelligent and now has begun asking questions about who he is at bedtime to catch me on the hop. Well that’s how it makes me feel. We read our bedtime book, snuggle and suddenly “you know the lady that made me, what is her name?”. “You know the man that made me, is he still in prison, is he a bad man?”.

When first answering these questions, the words of his social worker rattled in my head “be honest, age appropriate and consistent”. I answered that the lady that made him could not look after him and did not feed him properly and the man that made him sold chemicals called drugs and smoked them near him in the house. I told him they did love him but loved the other things in their life more.

As quickly as the questions come, they are replaced with “when is it Christmas” or “can we play Lego Star Wars tomorrow?”. Amazing how resilient children are, and we as their parents are there to drip feed the information they need as their questions and curiosity is stimulated by school, friends and situations.

I will be ready for the next question probably while reading the Grufallo or a Squash and a Squeeze as we snuggle.

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