I feel like screaming. I’m sitting here: upset, angry, sad, worried. My emotions are all over the place, I don’t even know exactly what I’m feeling.
I was queueing at my local corner shop, when I met one of my former work mate. We started talking: job, family, holidays… the usual bragging. An elderly lady in the queue was mumbling something to herself, that could have been mistaken for a stab at the cashier for her appearances.
The conversation was flowing well, I didn’t realised I had so much to share. We moved to the topic of children. He just had a baby, and he was telling me how much his life had changed. My husband Diego and I are very open about having adopted Ben, so I just told him about the adoption.
The old lady in the queue, talking to no one in particular, had some more to say: Immigrants don’t just steal our jobs, now they take our children too.
I froze, incapable to decide what to do next, whether to start an argument or just let it go. My friend didn’t seem to notice what the lady had just said. I stopped talking, went to pay for my shopping, and left. I hope he didn’t find my silence rude. I just panicked, and wanted to leave the situation.
On the walk back home, that phrase kept echoing in my mind. Now they take our children too.
For a split moment I felt relieved, glad that Ben is too young to understand the meaning of those words. And then the sense of relief disappeared, and I was just left with a bitter taste in my mouth, and a heavy heart.
I’ve been living in UK for over 15 years now, and it has been hard at times. Trying to have a career in a foreign country is not an easy task. You first get judged from where you are coming from, before being recognised for your merits. I can understand that. That never stopped me from advancing in my career though, and that was simply because I was good at my job.
I’m Italian, there’s no way I can change that. I’m neither proud, nor ashamed of it. Does it defined me? Well, possibly. Maybe in part it does define me, but that doesn’t stop me appreciating my life here, doesn’t stop me loving the place where I live, and doesn’t make me all that different from my next door neighbour. I’ve been here long enough. Here is home.
Every time I hear this kind of remarks (and it does happen) I think of a scene in an old movie called “A Walk In The Clouds”. In that movie a young Keanu Reeves sits at the family table of his new fiancée. A situation that would be nerve wrecking for anyone, even more so since the girl in the story is a distressed pregnant woman Reeves met just hours before, who he’s trying to help by posing as her future husband.
The father Alberto is a stereotypical Mexican man, naturally protective of his daughter and generally distrustful. He senses that something isn’t right, and keep poking the future son in law with questions. Reeves tries his best to be credible, when the father stops him and says: Just because I talk with an accent doesn’t mean I think with an accent.
Funny enough the character of Alberto is played by a very famous Italian actor!
So here you have it: I talk (and probably write) with an accent, but I don’t think with it. I’m not here to snatch any child (or job!). I never even considered people may have thought that I was stealing a person! And that was probably a mistake because what happened in the shop caught me completely unprepared.
Now I’m sitting here: upset, angry, sad, worried. What would my son think when he grows up? I’m Italian, my husband is Italian, and because Home Office refuses to recognise Ben’s British citizenship, Ben will technically be Italian as well.
I feel like I took away part of Ben’s birth right, part of his identity and personal history. It’s a dreadful feeling, and it’s here to stay.
What a ridiculously bigoted lady in the queue!! It doesn’t matter what nationality you are, you have given a little boy a loving home who wouldn’t otherwise have had one. What a shame for her to be so grumpy and negative, she’s probably not very happy inside xx
Thank you for your comment. I’m a bit calmer now and starting to put things in perspective. No matter how far you travel you will always find bigotry, but it’s reassuring to know that there is plenty more openmindness out there.
I admire you for just being able to walk away from that situation. My husband and I are at the very start of our adoption journey. I am American/British, but was raised in America. I moved back to the UK 8 years ago and I know how it feels to have bigoted comments.
But back to the point about Ben’s identity. I believe that all children’s identify is formed from a number of variables, from what area they grew up, to economic status, to parents being from a different country then they are. Imagine the culture and the heritage you will be able to share about Italy with him as he grows. You can teach him Italian something as he grows older he will be so thankful for. You like myself offer so much wealth that you will be adding to Ben’s identify. His birth right is huge he gets to be British and Italian, thats 2 football World Cup Teams to choose from. 🙂
I guess for me I can speak to you from the perspective of growing up in America. I am American, everything I “identify” with is what my friends identify with in America. But part of me and I will admit it, the British part of me (my parents, part of me) is growing. I am so proud and humbled to be able to have experienced two cultures and continue to experience them. I have something that only my parents could have given me and something that my friends are always envious of.
You in no way deprived him of a birth right or personal history, it is quite the opposite you have given him one!
Thanks for your kind words. I hope Ben will grow up considering Italy part of his culture and identity, along side his British one. So far, he’s showing interest in learning Italian, and that’s a little step in the right direction. Definitely incidents like the one above are rare, and next time I will be better prepared. Good luck in your adoption journey, and come back to let me know how it’s going.
I really feel for you, I really understand why this is so upsetting. The woman in the shop revealed a very ignorant view on a situation she knows nothing about. This is not the view of everyone and will not be the view that your child grows up with at school and with family and friends because the younger generation are more understanding and accepting of diversity in their world. Remember that the issue is with this woman for having very ignorant and narrow minded views which she rudely voiced without invitation. I would look at her and think how horrible to live with so little compassion for those you live amongst and try to forget about her.
Thank you for sharing on #WASO
Thanks for your reassuring words. Being a mum is hard, and be an adoptive Italian mum doesn’t make the job any easier. I’m growing together with my son, and I’m learning to be a better person. I believe that the vast majority of the people are very understanding and accepting, and I shouldn’t really let one single incident get to me. I’m feeling much more comfortable in my skin lately, thanks to all supportive messages and comments I received.