We are getting towards the end of our fostering training. This weekend we will have our last home visit, and then it’s going to be a long wait till panel date in October.
The fostering assessment process hasn’t been any different from the one we went through for adoption. Nothing was really new or unfamiliar, and we knew what to expect. We already filled up all the forms and talked extensively about ourselves once before, and this time around opening up to a virtual stranger was almost effortless.
It might seem strange, but what I struggled the most with was filling up our Eco-map. I found it difficult two years ago, and even harder this time around. Who’s friend and who’s not, who can I count on and who will bail on me, who’ll be there to help me and who will be suddenly too busy?
I compared the Eco-map we produced while adopting and the one for fostering. I was expecting the two to be very similar, after all, we adopted Ben only two years ago, but there wasn’t even one name in common between the two.
So, what happened in the last two years?
Adopting Ben changed our lives, changed the relationship we had with the people we knew, what we do and how we do it. Being a parent does that to most people I guess, and the added challenges of adoption don’t help the situation. I shouldn’t have been surprised in finding our eco-map, our circle of friends, completely revamped.
When we told our friends we wanted to adopt, everyone sounded very enthusiastic and sympathetic. Everyone assured us they were going to help and support us every step of the way. They led us to believe they would have been available to give us a break if needed. I almost feared they would have come on holiday with us just to lend us a hand if we were struggling!
But something changed between that initial conversation with our friends and today. So many of our them slipped away, slowly and silently. The few left are terrified of us starting to foster. Not that any of them have ever expressed any concern. They are still enthusiastic as they were once, but now in their eyes, I can spot a sceptical expression as to say “you’re either brave or completely mad”.
In reality, we were left alone a long time ago. I wonder if this is something that comes with parenthood, or with the challenges of adoption. Then again, maybe we only had very poor friends!
So I picked up the pieces and started again.
Not long ago, I was chatting happily with a mum at playgroup, only to realise that we didn’t have anything in common. Number one, she was twenty plus years younger than me. Number two, she didn’t have a clue about what I was talking about. Surely not her fault, but I came to the realisation there wasn’t much of a friendship opportunity there.
After that experience, I retreated online to Twitter and Facebook. There is always someone there ready to listen, and willing to help. Someone with a good advice, or just a word of encouragement. The expertise online is gigantic, so much knowledge all cramped in the 5” of my mobile phone screen. Best of all, I can bring it with me wherever I go.
But I craved human contact, face to face interaction, the spontaneity of a conversation that can carry on for longer than 140 characters. So, very “unlike-me”, I decided to try something new and meet up with one of my contacts on Twitter. Maybe it was the good cappuccino, or the clean air of the park, or more likely the good vibe between us, I had a great morning. I loved it. Ben loved it. All around positive!
I only recently realised that with a bit of patience, luck, and by putting myself out there, I can find other people who know about adoption and fostering, and don’t live thousand of miles away.
I will always value my virtual friends. I know they will be there when I need them, as I will for them of course. It would be so nice if my Eco-map could include people whose name starts with a @ symbol, but in case of emergency, I will need to rely on old-fashion, non-virtual, flash and bones friends. Possibly with a car 🙂
YES! Great post. If we did our ecomap again it would look very different, and like you a lot of our support is from online friends we’ve never met but who ‘get it’ far better that those physically present. I’ve recently started going to a local Adoption UK group with the aim of meeting other adoptive parents. Early days but I agree it’s good to have face-to-face interactions too if you can. How do you find out where others are without broadcasting your location on social media? I find that balance quite a tricky one.
Hi Hannah. You’re right, it’s a tricky balance. Sometimes it just comes down to pure luck, other times you learn stuff by getting involved in somebody else’s conversion. You need to be the one initiating things, and that is what I really find hard. Adoption UK group is a brilliant idea, I didn’t think about it! I hope you find all the face-to-face support you need. Good luck, and thanks for sharing.
I’m with you and learning, Laura and Hanna! So much of my “understood” support is through twitter, blogging, and facebook. However, after almost six years, I’m learning to accept and enjoy friendships with those who have completely different struggles and I’m learning to share my struggles (unique to adoption) from my point-of-view in a way that doesn’t display all the behaviors in our house (or scare my friends away).
Of course, in our family, it’s a challenge for me to have time and energy to go out and meet those friends face-to-face. And I still the connection with those who get it.
Hi Nicole. I tried talking with other parents who have no experience of adoption, and I’m often met with blank stares. It’s simply not practical to explain to everyone the issues surrounding adoption, so I end up not even trying.
For the same reason, I even stopped giving people advice, because whatever advice I have to offer is seen as fit for “adopted children only”. As if attachment theory, FASD, and so on only happen to children if they have been adopted!
Thanks for your comment.
Great post, Laura, thank you.
We have made new friends via an adoptive parents group here in Milan. We attended meetings together, once a month for a year, while we were all waiting to be matched with our children via international adoption. We are planning to meet regularly in the future however finding a day and time that works for everyone is a challenge! However this is only an occasional weekend resource, we all live in different areas and most work full-time. We are still waiting to bring our child back from Bulgaria but that will happen pretty soon now (we met him in July) and he will be at home with me for a few months before he starts school. During that time I think he and I will only be able to socialize with other children and mums after school (he’s 8).
We have old friends of ours with grown-up children who seem enthusiastic but I’m not sure if they will be supportive, we’ll have to see.
I have yet to experience what you all are going through but it’s really useful reading about the various challenges.
You are so right our eco-map would be lacking in reliable friends, I do struggle to make new friends as lack of time doesn’t seem to make it possible. Alongside everything you shared we have also lost a very good friend to cancer this year who was there throughout the adoption process I miss her so much, adding to the isolation.
Ceri, I’m very sorry to hear about your loss. Losing dear friends is dreadful; one of our closest friends passed away a few months before our adoption completed. It took time for us to accept that our son would never have the chance to meet one the most important people in our life. The pain has not faded, I have to hold back the tears while I’m writing this. Take good care of yourself.