During our adoption preparation, we had the chance to hear the experience of some veteran adopters. They told us all about their life after adoption, they described a picture-perfect family life and smiled with pride telling us about their children.
One of the adopter speakers had to be silenced, rather clumsily too, as a not-so-glorious detail of adoption managed to escape the calculated control of the social workers running the training: sometimes you don’t love your adopted child straight away, sometimes love takes time.
I remember taking a mental note of it, although as it turned out I didn’t need it. I started loving Ben much before I even met him. I loved the idea of Ben first, his pictures later, and the pudgy baby boy and his blue eyes as soon as I met him. Even then, the first couple of months had been challenging. Some people have a much more bumpy start of placement, and some even go through a period of post-adoption depression. So, why wasn’t I told about it during my adoption preparation?
The adoption process is a long and stressful period, it’s demanding and intense. It pushes us to deal with many feelings, including past losses, grief, anger, and the great expectation of finally becoming parents. By the time we get to placement, we are a jumbled mix of joy and fear, topped with uncertainty and inexperience. We go through years of training, adoption and matching panel, we feel emotionally and physically proved by the introduction period, and just when we are ready to take a break to catch our breath, we get to bring our child home.
Then reality kicks in. Your child won’t sleep, cries all night to go back to his foster or birth family, tantrums, meltdowns, setbacks, and rejection. And that’s normal, you would behave the same if you were all of the sudden throw into a new home, new family, new routine and everything you knew once just vanished into thin air.
More surprising is how I, the prototype of new enthusiastic parents, felt after placement. I struggled with loneliness, feeling isolated, unequipped, and generally unprepared. All the confidence that accompanied me during the adoption training faded out, and i was overwhelmed by emotions. All kind of questions filled up my head: did I make the right choice? will this horrible period pass? does he love me? do I really love him? or I love the idea of him?
It’s hard to adjust to a new life, and it’s natural to feel lost and sad at times. I learnt to be honest with myself, and with my husband Diego. I learnt not to be ashamed of my feelings, and to talk about it. I learnt that love comes to fill your life and your heart slowly and gradually.
I learned that, at the end of a lengthy and stressful process, I needed to be reminded of the reasons why I decided to adopt in the first place, recognise once more the value in this choice, and–most of all–stop second guessing myself.
My friends adopted and they have found it very difficult. You are all learning; learning to be a family, learning to love each other, learning how to help each other and what you each need. It’s great that you are able to pull together as a couple, though, and be honest with each other. I wish you well on your journey #TwinklyTuesday
Thank you for this post! I’m a mum by adoption too and I found that while I cared deeply for my children from before placement, it took a while to really be able to say I loved them (and not the idea of them). I hope more social workers come to realize that it’s a growth experience for both parent and child! Visiting from #twinklytuesday
Hi Jen, thanks for your honest comment. I think it’s important get the message out-there and let other adopters know that it could happen, and it’s an OK feeling. XX
A really insightful post. As someone who has suffered from postnatal depression in the past and is considering adoption in the future, it’s great to get an awareness about the feelings/difficulties that could arise. Thanks for sharing #twinklytuesday
Hi Shaney, someone once told me that the postadoption depression is very similar to postnatal one. Becoming a parent, in which ever way it happens, it’s a big change. Sometimes we need time to adjust, and it’s good to be aware of these strong feelings that might surface. Thanks for your comment. XX
We initially fostered our first daughter, fell in love with her and then went through the process of adopting her. Five years later we adopted her half sister. I found this experience very different. It was very exciting and she was a lovely,easy baby. She settled immediately, slotted into our ecletic family ( 3 teenage birth children, her 6 year old ASD sister and 4 year old long term foster child with many problems) and it should have been incredibly easy to love her. I felt enormous pressure to love her and knew we were very lucky to have her in our family. I was worried that I would never love her as much as I loved her sister. She has now been with us nearly 2 years and has embraced the terrible twos with vigour. So 2 years on I do love her completely, but it did take time to fall in love with her, which is obvious now although 2 years ago it was very scary.
Hi Kate, yours sounds like an amazing family. As you said, it can be scary not to feel instant love for our children. Hopefully talking about it, will help other people in feeling a bit less scared and alone. Thanks for stopping by. XX
We saw her picture on Tuesday and I immediately fell inlove with her. When we met her on Thursday I loved her even more. We have waited for a very long time to have a child and feel really blessed to have such a wonderful pleasant and sweet daughter.
Hi Michelle, thanks for commenting. Sometimes love come straight away, other times it does need space and time to blossom. I believe that we need to talk about our experiences so that others can learn from them. XX