Happy Go Lucky

Today is a good time as any other to finally admit it: I’m not happy. There, I said it, it’s out of the bag now. Do I feel any better now? No, not yet!

I feel like I’m failing, every little issue is piling up on the top of each other, and it’s all becoming a bit too much to handle. I cannot recall the last time I was truly happy, the last time I laugh with joy, the last time my mind was free of worries, and the last I didn’t stare at the dark holding on the hope that tomorrow will be better.

One thing I’m sure about: dwelling in the gloom is unhelpful. I need to do something constructive and find a way back to happiness. It’s no one’s fault if I feel the way I do, and maybe to find joy I need to understand what I’m doing wrong.

Expectations

My idea of family and motherhood is far from what it turned out to be. I’m not saying it is worst or better, just different. I need to forget all the assumptions I had and embrace what my life is instead. And my life is actually quite amazing. My son and my husband are incredible, although different from what I would have liked them to be. But I wouldn’t want them to be any other way, and I’m blessed they are in my life. So, I should forget about the perfect home, with the perfect lawn and the perfect family, and embrace the chaos and the madness of my very own family.

Letting go

Have you ever had an argument with a friend that went on for weeks? You get angry, you fight, and then you need time–the right amount of time–and you need apologies–the right amount of apologies–before you can let go of the anger and forgive.
I don’t have that luxury with my son. He has a tantrum, he shouts at me, he hurts me, and then he says sorry. That should be the end of it, but that’s not enough for me. I still feel resentment, it’s not at all over for me yet. I wish I could just let go, there and then, but it’s much easier for a 3 years old to do that, once you develop a conscience it get much harder.

Projection

When things are not great, it’s easy to believe that they can only get worst. Suddenly, “shark music” becomes the soundtrack of your life, what went wrong yesterday becomes proof that the same will happen today, and after no long that turns into a bleak and self-fulfilling prophecy.

At times it does feel like the whole word is against me and that everyone is rude and antagonistic, but I know that a part of that is down to me. Playing the victim, in this case, is simply not helpful. I can only change myself and my outlook, for sure I cannot ask my child to change his for me, and I can only hope that my positivity is going to rub off on my husband too.

I’m sure changing my mindset will produce a notable change, hopefully for the better. I’m not going to become a “Happy Go Lucky” kind of character. Let’s be honest, I couldn’t even if I wanted to. But I need to believe that, when I will be reading this page same time next year, I won’t come to the conclusion that I could write the same page again.