We had another tough day: the crying, the tantrums, the meltdowns, the defiance, the anger, the fighting, the ressentiment, the hitting and the rejection. I feel under attack in my own home.
I cannot remember when I was happy last, or when I felt a sense of accomplishment in my life. Inside I’m raging, wish I could scream it all out. But I can’t, so instead I feel the urge to run away and to put a distance between myself and all this ugliness.
My husband Diego and I have lost our complicity, we are playing for two different teams. We hardly talk to each other, we argue most of the times we are together, and we struggle to find some common ground on our parenting styles.
My son Ben seems to be playing a “hit and run” race: I cannot even think of how many times in a day I have to deal with him hitting our foster girl or his classmates at preschool. He apologises, and a couple of minutes later, we are back to square one.
And our foster girl Holly is testing my patience by constantly pushing me away. It hurts and angers me when the little person I’m looking after just decides that she doesn’t want to have anything to do with me. “No, I want Diego” is her favourite answer, and that if she answers to me at all. Most of the times she ignores me completely, making me feel invisible.
It only took one month of permanency to break my soul, to lose myself, and feel hopeless. I don’t recognise myself anymore, as much as I don’t recognise my family. We are all at loss, different beyond recognition, and unable to find the way back home.
I wish I was a better person, I really do. I feel angry and annoyed with the whole world. I feel is not really worth fighting to get through this period anymore. I feel I hit rock bottom, and there is not much left to be saved.
I’ve been put to the test and failed miserably. We all failed. Me, my husband and my son. We let the black cloud take over our home and our family. We don’t get along anymore, we don’t respect each other any longer, we don’t listen to one another, and we just look forward to bedtime to shut off and stop hurting.
Is this what trauma does to people? It takes over, changes you, and makes you a worse version of yourself?
As I’m writing this, I realise I’m not ready to give into it yet. I won’t let the trauma win. Not yet, not while I still have some fight in me. I’m not sure how we will come out of this situation, and how different we all will be at the end of it.
When we decided to become a foster family we knew about the challenges that awaited us, but this mere rational knowledge could not prepare us for the actual experience of it all. The challenge still scares me, but in spite of that, I’m not ready to lose my myself, and my family, or let trauma have this win.
Oh my friend, please do not give up hope. I could so relate to your post. We have been there! Our family has been overtaken by the very real challenges of parenting a child who comes from trauma. Ride the waves. It will get better with healing, but there will be tough times ahead again, too. Thank you for sharing from a very honest place so others don’t feel so alone. I write about our experiences on my website, too. Many blessings.
Hi Sara, some days are better than others. The good days are few and far between. I know one day the bad days will be the exception to the rule, but not knowing how far these will be, it makes it all the more difficult. Thanks for stopping by. XX
100% know that you will make it through this. All you have to do is never give up. The children will learn (slowly, really really slowly) to trust and to love and to thrive. You and your husband will be stronger for going through this. It’s hard, but you are doing it right…
Hi Jim, thanks for the encouragement, this means a lot to me. I will keep going! XX
I’m inspired by your courage and determination to keep going! Here’s a quote I turn to on my rough parenting days:
“Don’t give up. Don’t you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead. You keep your chin up. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come.”
Great quote Rachel, thanks for sharing this with me. XX
Maybe easy for me to say, but: Hang in there! You can do it. You and Diego are inspiring for so many others. What you do is so important, so much so for your kids but also for those of us you keep informed through your writing. You may not see results of your efforts right now but you will someday. I know it. Take care.
Hi, thanks for the vote of confidence. Having people who believe in us, give us the strenght to carry on. We hope to make a change in the lives of the kids who come through our door, or at least to give them hope for the future. Thanks for taking the time to read and commenting. XX
I’m so glad you’re not willing to let trauma win, Laura. This is so hard! I can’t imagine what it would have been like if my husband hadn’t been working from home the first few months our kids were home. He actually heard the difference between my interactions with the kids and his. He constantly says it would have been impossible to believe if he hadn’t heard it himself.
Best to you all! Hoping you experience team and peace soon.
H Nicole, it would be great to have Diego around more. Believe me, I asked many times, but his job won’t allow it. Thank you for your comment, and for your kind words. XX
Yes, trauma can definitely bring out the worst in us. Including the children. Take really good care of yourself during this season.
Hi Jenni, thanks for stopping by. I will try to have a couple of hour for myself to recharge and self-care. XX
Laura, I know your spot oh so well right now mama!! I’m praying you find the courage to take of yourself!! It’s oh so important!!!! I’ve been drowning in the effects of trauma in the last year myself. And it’s no fun!! It’s been very triggering for myself and the personal trauma I dealt with in my own life growing up. If it weren’t for a wonderful therapist I’d be curled up in a ball in a corner giving up. Also, be sure to use respite!! It is there to use for a reason, and you’re not weak or wrong for needing to use it. It is another form of self care that is oh so important!!!
Thanks Kristin for sharing your experience. Writing that everything was lost, made me realised that, actually, it wasn’t. I received so many great comments and tips, so much encouragement and understanding from everyone reading my blog. I’m moved, and recharged with hope and determination. XX
Great to hear that you are recharged with hope and determination. This is a great time, then, to marshall your supports to build back up stronger than ever. Use that respite, therapist, blogging. Read that relevant trauma parenting book. Connect with other foster parents in your area. Discuss the situation with your social worker and ask about other local supports. We are all laid low sometimes. I have faith that you can re-build stronger and become more knowledgeable, more connected, and more resolved to have love trump hurt.
Going through trials is part of how life is meant to be. Difficulties overcome can bring about stronger attachment, as you and your loved ones see that – no matter what – you’ll be together. Going through low points can help shape you into the adoptive / foster mother you’ve dreamed of being; it’s an opportunity for you to model to your traumatized kids not to give up and that light triumphs over dark.
One of my favorite things to do when I have really bad days is relate it to how my traumatized child or their birth family or my hubby or others must be feeling as they deal with their issues. For example, every day I miss the foster children who I love so dearly, but returned home. I pray that they are safe and that their parents continue to take good care of them. Is this how a birth parent feels? Maybe they feel even worse. Is this how a parent whose child has been taken into care feels? Maybe that plus guilt. I like relating my experience with others because 1) it helps me realize that I am not alone in my feelings and 2) it helps me develop empathy for others, which in turn makes our interactions more positive.
Anyway, keep on keepin’ on. 🙂
Thanks for your comment. I love the idea of shaping into the mum I always dreamed to be. Both adoption and foster bring so much trauma and dark moments, but also so much inconditionate love. Sometimes we just need to be reminded that we are strong souls and that we have the ability to parent children from the hard places. XX
Laura,
Thank you for such an honest insight into your world. Suffice to say, our world too! As a Permanency Foster Carer in the U.K., we have felt just as you do now, on more than ‘many’ occasions!
Keep your chin up, remember why you started this journey (the reasons are different for everyone), and above all start each day forgetting yesterday’s problems and hurts.
Xx ? (Hugs)
Hi Lee, I agree: let’s forget yesterday’s problems and start from fresh. What I realised about foster-care is that bad moments and good ones alternate often, and I never know what the day will bring. Writing about the bad moments make me so much more aware of the good ones, and I hope it can help someone else in a similar situation to keep positive. I know that comments like yours help me find strength when I’m feeling down, and for that, I’m very grateful. XX
My thoughts and prayers are with you. Foster care is HARD, even when it’s rewarding. I know my family went through some really rough times with a foster child that we had for 8 months. She exhibited some of the behaviors you’ve mentioned and then some. We ended up choosing disruption because it was what was right for our family (we had serious safety concerns, as she was the biggest child in the house)…and we were feeling completely drained. But – no matter what – stay on the same page as your DH. It’s easier to weather the storms when you hold tightly together. Also, respite is a wonderful things. ::hugs::
Hi Tammy,
disruption is hard, even when is chosen it to protect you and your family. I also believe it’s a brave choice, definitely hard to make. My heart goes out to you.
Things for us are going better now, although is a bit of a rollercoaster where good days alternate to bad ones. We keep our hopes up, and we try to remember each other that we are doing this out of love.
Thanks for your comment. XX