Life with Holly hasn’t changed much in the last month or so. We have positive days, pull-your-hair-out days, and every other kind of day in between. What we haven’t cracked yet, is what makes such a big difference between a day and the next.
It is a demoralising thought. We wake up every morning hoping for the best. We try hard to forget what happened the day before and put on our best smile, and sometimes that alone takes an enormous amount of effort. And after all that prep work, we can tell how the rest of the day will go within 15 minutes of interacting with her.
Because Holly is the discriminating factor between a good day and a miserable one. How we react to her moods plays a huge role too, of course, but although we can correct our attitude and behaviour, she can’t. A bad day stays a bad day for her. We spent the last three months trying to understand what outside factors affect her behaviour so much, and we’ve got nothing to show for it.
What we learnt though is that when Holly is having one of her bad days, it is best for everyone if we stop pretending we are her parents.
It feels wrong to write that and much harsher than it actually is. It’s not neglect, if that’s what you’re thinking. We could never neglect a child of ours. What changes is the distance we keep between us and her. We behave as any caring adult would behave towards somebody else’s child. If she needs us, we are there for her. If she wants to talk to us, we are there to listen. We just wait for her to come to us first, and in truth, she never does.
I don’t believe Holly has formed a real attachment to any of us. She plays with us, sits on the sofa with us, goes along with our routines and small house rituals. She coexists with us, but I don’t believe she cares for us at all, and that saddens me. I would be happy to know that she didn’t need us, that her loyalty lies with someone else–with her birth mum perhaps–but I’m not sure of that either. I am starting to believe Holly has very little trust in grown-ups and, given the choice, she’d gladly do without.
And if that is the case, if Holly really hasn’t formed an attachment to us after all this time, it means we have failed her in our duty as foster carers. It means that all we did to include her in our house and our life was not enough to convince her we are safe, that she could trust us. It’s probably our fault at the end, but if we are to be blamed, it shouldn’t be for not trying hard enough. It should be for not speaking up earlier perhaps.
Despite the many reassurances from Holly’s social worker, we suspected Holly had behavioural problems from very early on, although we tried hard not to look for them. The way she behaves with complete strangers, for example, friendly to a point the person feels uncomfortable about it, could suggest an attachment disorder. Other behaviours and delays in her development may point to Alcohol-Related Neurodevelopmental Disorder, a form of FASD, and if that was the case, then we would have needed more training to deal with it.
But no one knows, because she’s so little, and before the age of 3 any serious behavioural problem is generally bundled up with the typical tantrums of a toddler. We keep writing what we see, little clues, possible symptoms, without ever suggesting any condition of course, because that’s not our job.
And sometimes I wonder if anyone really wants to know about it. A lot of work has been done already to find a more permanent accommodation for this girl, and the simple threat of a serious condition could put a stop to all of that. Plus a diagnosis would take time, these children grow fast, and past the age of 3 it becomes harder and harder to find a suitable family for them.
Her Social Worker described Holly to us as a perfectly “normal” child, after she’s seen her only once. And perhaps she was right. I’m sure the same Social Worker–who since then have seen Holly one more time–is telling the exact same story to whoever might be interested in looking after this child, with the usual warning about her being so young and possible conditions that could come up in the future, of course, but otherwise a perfectly healthy young girl. And who wouldn’t want that?
What an accurate and honest portrayal of the challenges of being a foster carer. If a child doesn’t have the necessary skills to form attachments with adults the best care in the world won’t make it happen immediately. You can only hope that over time being attuned to her needs allows her start to trust and let you in emotionally. If for 3 years she has been learning that adults canot be trusted it will take longer than 3 months to accept that some can. Hopefully you will begin to make progress over the next months and in the meantime people recognise that you are being asked to do a near impossible task. Wishing you all well and thanks for sharing
I’m worry that I won’t have much time left to spend with her. Social Services is working hard to find a permanent family for Holly, and her new family won’t be given all the information about her, simply because her social worker is completely unaware to what happens at home. I’m terrified the new placement might break down because of it.
Your blog echoes many of the things I have been saying throughout my time as a foster carer. The SWs don’t really know the child. There is a huge reluctance to consider any ‘issues’ that the child might have. Foster carer concerns are easily dismissed. I have begged for CAMHS assessments for pre-adoptive children and never, ever succeeded in getting one. An IRO once told me it wasn’t needed because “social workers are trained in attachment”. Adoptive parents need to know this – that the children whose CPRs they are reading have likely never been professionally assessed by a behavioural expert. Medical assessment, yes. But CAMHS? Not likely. I understand that there is reluctance to provide therapeutic input to children who are not in a permanent placement (notwithstanding NICE guidelines to the contrary) but, in my view, just as every child with a plan for adoption will have a pre-adoptive medical with a paediatrician, so they ought to have a pre-adoptive assessment at CAMHS.
I agree completely. As a foster family you start with the assumption that all information collected about a child in your care are either incomplete, or wrong, or both. But as a adoptive parent I assumed all information I was given to be vetted carefully, and that’s a risky assumption to make. I urge anyone in the process of adopting a child to request a copy of the foster family daily log. The log should be about the child, and there should be no reason to keep it confidential. Ask for it before starting contact, so theres a chance to ask questions.
Over the last 12 years this has been an all too familiar story, foster carer concerns not listened to as if it is accepted that a child has issues then the chances of finding permanent placement is reduced greatly. I do feel you are wrong to blame yourself for lack of attachment, no matter how young a child comes into your care the damage done from drugs, alcohol, neglect, domestic violence (the list goes on) will not be fixed by a few years in a family no matter how loving and therapeutic their parenting. The best we can do is our best, report our concerns, ask for CAMHS or similar to assess and be brutally honest with any permanent family found so that even if SW fudges issues of behaviour etc they are not witheld. And most of all look after yourself, as you can only offer the love and support needed if you are mentally and emotionally strong yourself
Thank you for your kind words. We will need to decide how we approach contact for this child in case she is not returned to her mum. There is a clear conflict of interest between self-preservation and doing the best for the child: on one hand I want my family life to come back to what once was normal, on the other I don’t want the child to stay with a new family just for a few months before she’s put back into care. By then we might have a new placement already and she would need to stay with yet another family. Things don’t generally go well from there. We will try to be honest in describing how Holly has been with us (which in itself is a very confusing picture since she behaves very differently with me than she does with my wife) and let the new family decide if they can cope with it. I just hope the new family will not take the decision lightly.