Last few months have been hard, much harder than what I anticipated when with my husband Diego and I decided to become foster carers. These months have been stressful and tiring, they have put my good will to the test, and drained off all my energies. And if being empty, discouraged and hopeless wasn’t bad enough, I also get to feel guilty for not being able to show more empathy towards our little foster girl Holly.
Every day is a constant struggle to try to contain situations so that they are manageable. Anything can trigger a dysregulated reaction in Holly: telling her no can results in a full aggressive response, asking her a question can turn into her leaving the room and ignoring me, giving her instructions can resolve in her shouting or crying or spitting or rolling on the floor. There isn’t a formula that works every time, her responses are volatile, and she can react positively to something one day and crumble down in pieces the following day.
As an adoptive parent, I never realised what foster families go through. Every day. 24 hours a day. For months. For years. They are the ones opening up their homes and hearts without notice, without introduction, without prior assessments, without really pondering if they have a “good feeling” about that child.
Nevertheless, they are the ones that adoptive families are often talking bad about, the ones that will be asked to leave the child’s life as quickly as the child got into theirs. I lost count of the many times I read the foster family constantly feed her chocolate, or the foster carer just put him in front of the TV all day or again the foster family didn’t care about my girl. Fingers are always pointed to the foster carers, as if they were the baddies in the child’s life, the ones who didn’t care about the child, the ones that adoptive families often blame when problems arise. Some of these adoptive parents must be right in complaining, but I wonder if I will be judged as harshly.
As human beings, and as foster carers, we are all led by our emotions. I want to think I’m led by love and compassion. My guess is that Holly is led by fear and loss. Our hope as carers is that these children will eventually form a relationship with us and that through this bond we can help them to start working through their emotions and start to heal. Attachment is our strongest tool as carers and the biggest hope for our children.
But Holly doesn’t want to deal with me, she doesn’t even like me. She told me! One day my son asked her: I love my mummy. Holly, do you love my mum? She didn’t even have to think about it. In a strangely cheerful voice, she straight away answered no. The silver lining is that she said she loved Diego, so there is a safe person in her life to retreat to if she needs to.
My life today is unrecognisable, I feel 10 years older, tired as I’ve never been before, hollow and on the verge of bursting into tears most days. I’m emotionally drained, and I believe Holly senses that. The more I feel exhausted, the more my relationship with Holly deteriorates. She doesn’t do it on purpose. She probably feels my struggle but doesn’t understand it, and most likely this makes her feeling anxious around me. Anxiety triggers fear, fears triggers dysregulations, dysregulation triggers a range of bad behaviours.
My days are ruled by someone else’s emotions: our foster girl ones, my son’s, my husband’s. In the midst of all this, I struggle to find the time to process my own. Each day rolls into the next, all yesterday’s issues remain unsolved, and the guilt for my previous mistakes bottled up. That scares me, and I feel I’m losing control.
My heart goes out to you…it is very hard to foster or adopt these hurt little children. You’re doing a good job, but keep in mind that you have to take care of yourself FIRST or you’ll have nothing to give to your family. The basics are, are you eating well and getting enough sleep? Then I would really recommend some one on one therapy for yourself. Just to be clear-there’s NOTHING wrong with you or what you’re doing! You need support and coping mechanisms. I can tell you first hand that therapy will change your life and it doesn’t have to be a long term commitment. You’ll see a big change in a short time if you can find the right therapist. If time to go to one is in short supply, you may want to try DrOnDemand which is therapy you can do from wherever you have an iPhone or computer. It’s in the App Store. Ask mom or a friend to come over for a half hour to occupy the kiddos so you can shut yourself away in a quiet room and concentrate on taking care of just you. Hope this helps.
Hi Dale, I’m missing having my family around. They live in Italy, where my husband Diego and I are from. It would be great to have my mum around for half a day to help me with the kids. I know she’d like that too, and it would be hilarious to see how she manages without knowing a word in English!
Now that the kids started attending pre-school, I have some time to myself and I’m already planning to use it to recharge and self-care. I have big plans for myself 🙂 Thanks for stopping by and leave such a lovely comment. XX
Laura,
While there are some bad foster parents, most are unsung heroes. I pray our future daughter has been with someone as loving and caring as you and your husband.
Holly is probably afraid of losing you if she gets close to you. Our instructors told us about a foster child who called her foster mom a filthy curse word name every day for months until the child learned that the foster mom wasn’t going to give up on her.
That being said, you sound like you need a break. I saw from your reply to another comment that the children will be in pre-school. You might want to indulge in some time for yourself and your favorite hobby.
Do it without guilt! You deserve it.
Hi Pam, you are so right: I need a little break. The children are now at school in the morning, and I too a couple of “lazy” mornings. Nice coffee and croissant, a bit of TV, some reading, long shower. I feel much better. It’s hard sometimes to remember that we need to self-care, so that we can have all the energies we need to be able to cope with the stress of adoption and fostering. Thanks for stopping by. XX
I remember this feeling very well: “And if being empty, discouraged and hopeless wasn’t bad enough, I also get to feel guilty for not being able to show more empathy .” Things have gotten so much better in the seven years since we adopted our daughter, but it’s been a long, slow process. There are still days I feel this way but they are much less frequent.
The horrible foster parents are always going to be brought up because they’re the ones getting the attention. Carers like you and the others I know remain invisible because they are doing what they’re supposed to. It’s so sad and I applaud you and every other foster parent out there who have chosen this vocation.
I am sorry things have been so difficult. I pray for healing for you and your family, and Holly as well. In the midst of all the yuck, please remember your online support system is here for you. Feel free to contact me on Twitter (we follow each other) or look me up on Facebook if you need to chat. ((hugs))
Hello Lynn, and thanks for such warm words. The social support is such an invaluable resource. So many times I found comfort in a twit, or a message sent on facebook. Thanks for offering your help, and for letting me know you’re there if I need help. That knowledge alone is already a huge help. XX
I can only imagine what this is like. Our adoption story was an infant adoption so there is minimal residual trauma. I do know that children with behaviors like that are hard. I am reading a book called the explosive child. I’m not sure it really fits her but has helped me understand the explosiveness she sometimes exhibits and how we can make efforts to adjust. I’m sure you’re doing a great job. She may have such trauma from her past that trusting a mother figure is hard for her. Keep being trustworthy and stable. She’ll eventually believe in you!
Hi Jennifer, the book you mentioned has such an intriguing title that I will definitely check it out. Explosive is a perfect fit to describe our household’s dynamics. I’m sure we all crave for a bit of peace and quite, but we are struggling to understand how to achieve that. Maybe this book will take us a step closer to understand how to get there, and how to adjust. Thanks. XX
You are probably right about Holly being led by fear and loss. I know how hard it is to deal with second hand trauma and survival behaviors! I’m stopping over from the adoption link up! I think your website title says it all-living with someone else’s trauma. If you need someone to talk to, shoot me an email. I don’t have all the answers, but I have a great listening ear.
Hi Kathleen, thanks for offering to listen. Feeling part of a community of people who understands what I’m going through is heart-warming and encouraging. It takes a good heart to offer to help a stranger. For that, I admire you. XX
Hi Laura. As a fellow foster / adoptive / birth parent, I know that kids with trauma can give their parents a run of the money. So, it’s ok to feel tapped out or overwhelmed occasionally. Check with your foster agency about options for dealing with it. There can be foster parent groups, respite care, therapy (for you or the child), daycare, enrolling your child in sports (exercising a great way to lower a kid’s anxiety) or other ways they can offer to help you through this tough patch. We’ve used all of the listed options as we feel it makes us better parents for the kids in our care.
One of my funny little tricks? I set my alarm for 15 minutes before I need to get up. Those 15 minutes are all mine. I can do whatever I want – sleep, read, get up, spend extra time primping, etc. It’s a great way to start my day, knowing that I’ve made time for me and that I’m deserving of some TLC.
Take care! You can do this!