Since the day our foster daughter Holly has returned back to our home, we have been living under siege.
I feel for her. She left us to return to mum, and what was supposed to be the start of her new life was instead a nightmare that lasted 8 long days. She came back traumatised, hurt, scared, and angry. And I understand why.
I know why she so openly hates me, why she is so insanely jealous of my son Ben, why she lashes out constantly, why she cannot return to a good routine. I understand all the whys and I can justify all of them. I cannot really blame her. She is one of the victims of alcohol abuse and domestic violence, a casualty of a foster care system that doesn’t run as smoothly as it should.
As much as I understand why Holly is behaving as she does, I cannot ignore that, as a result of it, my son is afraid. Scared of Holly hurting him, scared she will get to him while he’s sleeping, scared that he won’t be able to protect me next time she hits me, scared she will stay here with us for good.
My son is my first priority. It’s my job to protect him and take good care of him. My role as a parent is to make him feel safe and secure. And with Holly staying here with us, I can’t.
So, we decided to give notice, we asked social services to find a new family for Holly. It was a hard choice to make, I felt I failed her, but I cannot have my son living in fear. So, two weeks ago I called and emailed both Holly’s social workers and mine and told them that, as sorry as I was, they needed to find her a new home, somewhere where she doesn’t have to constantly compete with other children for the attentions she so desperately craves.
First I was told they would move Holly in one week, then they say at the beginning of the following week, later that it would have taken two weeks, then again up to 28 days, and finally they mentioned a meeting in few days to discuss the next steps.
I’m so angry and disappointed. Social services are taking their time to decide what to do. Their first meeting together to discuss Holly is over two weeks after I gave notice. No one in this time ever offered support, came out to see us, or gave any tips to better cope with the situation. What I got so far is two phone calls from two different social workers asking my point of view so that they can bring it to the meeting. No one even explained how to give notice works, they just told me I have to be patient, up to 28 days patient, apparently.
No one from the fostering team told me I could also ask to place Holly in emergency care if the situation gets unmanageable, I had to find out about that by myself. Most day I think I should. Social services, in specific my social worker, failed to protect me and my family and left me alone to deal with all this.
But above all, I feel guilty. I put my son in a stressful and frightening situation. I can explain million times to him that no harm will come to me or him, but I would tell him a lie. Holly regularly bites him, scratches him, barges in his bedroom in the middle of the night, screams on the top of her lungs, and mock him by calling him names or just saying the opposite of what he’s saying.
My son has nightmares, he cries in his sleep. I can hear him most nights sobbing in his sleep “please Holly don’t hit me”. When he wakes up in the morning he crawls in our bed and he always asks: Is Holly still here?
I feel powerless. I put my son in this situation and now I cannot help him get out of it. I wanted to care for Holly and I ended up hurting my son instead.
Holly attacks are getting more violent, and more unpredictable. To keep my son safe, I finally decided to install a gate at Holly’s bedroom door. I keep the kids separate as much as I can. I’m becoming someone I don’t like, and someone I’m not proud of. But what choice do I have?
The reality is that I cannot cope with this placement anymore. I never thought fostering could have made me feel so lonely and isolated. Never thought that the so called professional could fail so miserably in protecting all of us, both my family and Holly.
There are no winners in this situation. My husband goes to work every day knowing that he won’t be able to offer any practical support, my son lives in terror, I’m exhausted, and Holly is just alone in her suffering.
Holly will move out of here one day. I don’t know what there will be left to save by then. I want to think that the summer holidays, lots of love and plenty of laughs will be enough for my son to feel safe in his own home again. But for now, he will have to rely on the temporary sense of security that a baby gate can provide, knowing that the person he’s afraid of cannot do him any harm, and waiting for the day there’ll be no need for it anymore.
Hi, I wish your story was an isolated incident and an exception to the myriad of stories that accompany children who journey through this system. You’re living in a horrible situation that was not of your making and in helping you’ve brought hurt and pain into your family. I hope your situation is resolved quickly.
Hi Al, it makes you think. Instead of investing funds in advertising for new foster carers, Social Services should do more to keep the ones who are already doing the job. I believe that Social Services need to review their practices to better safeguard their carers, the families involved and the children in care. In the long run, this would help adoption placements as well. Thanks for your comment and for sending hope. XX
Unfortunately this is more common then most think , due to the lack of support when things get too much more carers are having to give 28 days notice but sometime it needs to be instant to safeguard everyone
Hi Lynne, in our case what frustrates me the most is being in the dark. I understand that sometimes “instant” is not an option, but two weeks should have been enough time for social services to plan and give me a date for the move. The sad reality is that there is no plan. Maybe they are just hoping the situation improves and we stick with this placement. Thanks for reading and commenting. XX
Just pack her bags and deliver her to the social worker. They will have no other option but to re-home her. Say goodbye and walk out with your head held high knowing the situation is for the best.
Hi Julie, I thought about it, but I wouldn’t want for my foster daughter to feel even more traumatised or unwanted. I’ll give social worker few more days, and then I’ll plan my next move. XX
What do you do when the child is a family members that you have temporary guardianship of but both parents are in prison?
My “son” is exactly like the girl described. I have begged for inpatient or therapeutic help, but everyone thinks it will get better or that I am exaggerating because “how could a sweet 8 year old do all those things?”
Is there any hope for therapeutic foster care placement and how do I go about that?
Hi TL, I truly believe in the healing power of Therapeutic Parenting. I like the gentle approach of this style of parenting, promoting feelings and connections, and I’m trying to stick to it as much as I can. It’s hard work, at times it seems almost impossible, and results take time. I’m convinced that a Therapeutic foster care placement is the only effective way to parent children with a past of trauma. I would keep asking my social worker for help, keep asking some therapeutic support. In the meantime, there are some fantastic groups on Facebook that can offer support and guidance. These groups are made of people like you and me, and their knowledge and experience is invaluable. Don’t give up, but also look after yourself and your family. Thanks for commenting. XX
You can place a door alarm on her bedroom door. It can chime or sound an alarm depending on the setting. They sell them at the dollar store or most other stores. This would allow you to make sure she is always supervised around your son. I hope this would help him feel (and be) safer. I will be thinking positive thoughts for you, your husband, your son and holly.
Hi Brittany, we thought about an alarm, and in the end, we fitted a baby gate at the bedroom door. This gives a little sense of security, and hopefully, in time, my son will feel safe again. Thanks for reading and commenting. XX
Hi Laura, I truly sympathise with your story. I am currently going through a very similar situation, notice given 2 weeks ago and behaviour escalating day by day. Social worker had to attend a situation on Friday when I asked him to be removed as I know longer felt it was manageable. They offered 3 hours respite for saturday and sunday! Again yesterday everything erupted and on speaking to the Social worker this morning, they are still not removing him…I don’t understand how they can justify leaving myself and my bio sons and the foster child in a situation that is clearly unsafe for all concerned. How can the system continue to function in such a broken manner, heartbreaking!
Hi Tracey, I feel for you. I know exactly what you’re going through. There is no easy solution. The system seems to be working against foster carers at times, and it’s hard to remain fully committed when we find ourselves not been able to protect our families. I spoke with my social worker today, and she asked for more time again, but she didn’t have a specific plan or date. I ended up giving her an ultimatum and telling her that if she misses my deadline, my foster daughter will need to be accommodated in emergency care. Not the ideal ending I was hoping for. Just remember that your first priority is you bio sons. Most of the times in this scenario, the foster child will benefit as well from a new placement. Be firm and clear in your expectations, and don’t let social services take advantage of you. Sending love. XX
I was thinking of becoming a foster parent. I went through the system myself and have a 4yo son. Perhaps I will give a few years until my children are more grown up and can cope a little better. I really want to do it, to be the foster parent I never had, but perhaps it’s best to wait.
Hi Hayley, I believe that being a foster carer is fulfilling and hard work, for us grown ups and our kids as well. Children will react differently to different placements, and they might seem to be coping well one day and not the following. You know your family and only you can decide when it’s the right time for you all to start fostering. Consider also the different options available to you, like long and short term, respite, age range and sibling groups. I’m sure you and your children will one day be a great foster family. Keep us up to date, and thanks for sharing. XX
Trouble for you Laura is that your adopted son already has his own history of trauma to manage and adding holly to this will be retraumatising him as I’m sure you know. As an adoptive parent I can see you have so much to give and a great understanding of the needs of traumatised Children but you have to focus on your son and I see this time and time again with adopters who foster as children who are in the foster system are truly broken, sadly and the impact on the adopted child in the placement can be so damaging. Your son will have his own fears of abandonment, unloveability etc which never truly go away and any foster child will really cause him to relive those fears…..you have to stop trying to fix the hollies of this world and concentrate on the little boy you have chosen to care for….you will destroy yourself and him if you don’t and I worry for you. The system is a shambles and while the ASF is there for adopted children, most LAs have no money for fostered children even though their therapeutic needs are massive, it is left to you guys to manage….it won’t change I’m afraid, it is heartbreaking….hope you stay strong and pull through xx
At the other end of the spectrum will be someone like me. A commissioner or placements offer working with a child’s social worker trying to ensure the child needs are represented on a referral to agencies to identify another foster family who can care for the child taking into account from carers such as yourself. The notice period is necessary because it is unlikely there will carers with the skills necessary in the location with the availability immediately and some compromises may need to be considered. We need some time to get it right for the child whilst appreciating the difficulties being faced by carers managing a difficult situation. We don’t delay with our searches and always hope to give social workers a selection of carers to talk to and visit but it does sometimes take a while to get it right. We would hope support could be out in place to the foster carer while this is happening maybe use of family support to give some respite with activities outseide the family home.
This honest account should be made available to all prospective Foster Carers, it’s not all honey and roses, the reality bites are you prepared for this?